My fellow Americans,
It is with a heavy heart that I announce my resignation as the candidate for the presidential campaign of the Pizza Party.
Recently, a controversy has arisen surrounding my stance on pineapple as a pizza topping. I have always believed that everyone has the right to enjoy their pizza however they choose, and I apologize for any offense that my previous statements may have caused.
However, I understand that this issue has become a distraction from the important issues facing our country, and I do not want to be a hindrance to the progress we must make.
I deeply regret any disappointment I have caused to my supporters, and I want to assure you that I will continue to fight for pizza rights and for the betterment of our nation in any other capacity.
Thank you for your support.
news from our partners
Pope speaks out in defense of Reheated Pizza
VATICAN CITY—Delivering an impassioned address from St. Peter’s Basilica. “I speak today to all peace-loving citizens of the world, imploring them to care for one another regardless of whether they prefer mushroom and red pepper, sausage and onion, or even meatball and ricotta,” said the supreme pontiff…
Most Popular Candidate In Every State
The Onion provides an in-depth guide to local delicacies across the country, examining the unsavory, indigestible, and beloved candidates…
Pizza Hut CEO Accused Of Stuffing Assets Into Offshore Crusts
PLANO, TX—In the wake of a year-long investigation by the IRS, a 43-page indictment was unsealed in federal court Friday, confirming Pizza Hut CEO Aaron Powell had been charged with multiple counts of stuffing assets into offshore crusts…
In a race for breakface supremecy, We Dared to be different